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Emotional intelligence Russian practice download pdf. Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use, without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by law firm"Vegas Lex"

This book is well complemented by:

Emotional intellect. Why it might mean more than IQ

Daniel Goleman

Emotional intelligence in business

Daniel Goleman

Introduction

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and rational thinking is a devoted servant.

We have created a society that honors servants but forgets about gifts.

Albert Einstein

... Russian people are emotional, unlike many other nationalities, more sincere and less mechanical than Americans or Swedes. Therefore, they need more emotions in management.

Are you familiar with the phrases: “Let's not get too excited about this”, “The main thing for us now is to think it over carefully”, “You are too emotional about this”, “We should not be guided by emotions, we cannot let them take over common sense"? Probably yes. Emotions get in the way, we know. Emotions interfere with thinking and acting adequately. Emotions are very difficult (if not impossible) to manage. Strong man- this is the one with whom not a single muscle on the face will tremble at any news. Business is a serious matter, and there is no room for worries and other “weaknesses” in it. People who, at the cost of colossal efforts, were able to achieve that they always keep themselves in control and do not show any emotions, consider this their advantage and a huge achievement.

Meanwhile, by saying these and similar phrases and thinking in this way, we deprive ourselves and our colleagues of one of the most unique resources in business - our own emotions, and the business itself - a significant potential for development.

“Emotional intelligence” (EQ) is a well-known concept in the West, but is currently only gaining its popularity in Russia. Nevertheless, it has already managed to acquire a fairly large number of myths.

In this book, we want to offer the reader our own approach to emotions and emotional competence, based on our own experience and the practice of EQ development in Russia. In our experience, emotional competence skills do develop and help people enjoy life more and manage themselves and other people's behavior more effectively.

There is an opinion that “emotional intelligence” is a Western technique that is not applicable in Russian conditions. In our opinion, the ideas of emotional intelligence are even more suitable for Russia than for the West. We are more connected with our inner world (not without reason they like to talk about the “mysterious Russian soul”), we are less prone to individualism, and our value system includes many ideas that are consonant with the ideas of emotional intelligence.

We have been developing emotional intelligence in Russia since 2003 as part of EQuator training and consulting projects, and in this book we offer you methods, examples and ideas that emerged during joint work from Russian leaders and managers (although sometimes we will refer to the works of our respected foreign colleagues). Therefore, we can state with all responsibility that the techniques and methods described in this book have been tested and work in Russian conditions.

How to read a book?

You can read the book in "book-lecture", that is, in the process of reading, simply familiarize yourself with the information offered. We hope you find a lot interesting facts and ideas related to emotions and emotional competence.

You can read a book in "book-seminar", since the material of the book contains, in addition to information, a number of questions for the reader. Of course, you can not dwell on them, considering them rhetorical, but we suggest that you, having met a question, think and first answer it, and then continue reading. Then you will be able not only to learn a lot about emotions in general, but also to better understand your emotional world, to determine which emotional competence skills you already have and which you can still develop.

The authors of this book are the leaders of the trainings. It is not surprising that we consider the training form of education to be the most effective. In this book, we write about what we talk about in training. In some cases, we provide specific examples of what do at the trainings. We could not write here only about the fact that you will do at the training, what experience you receive and how you you will analyze it (and this is one of the main elements of the training). To get as close as possible to the real learning format, we offer various tasks for independent work. If you take the time and effort to put into practice the methods and technologies we offer, as well as to analyze the experience gained, we will succeed "training book".

You may want to argue with some of the ideas and statements presented here - the topic of emotional intelligence is a subject of much debate. We have included in the book the typical objections that we face in our daily work. (For this we have a “skeptical participant in the training”.) If you have any doubts or objections that we have not taken into account, we are open to discussing these ideas at the following addresses: Sergey - sergey@eqspb.ru , Alena - alena @eqspb.ru , as well as in our group in social network"In contact with" www.vk.com/eqspb.

How is the book structured?

IN first chapter we will look at different approaches to how emotions are appropriate and necessary at work, and we will analyze in detail what is meant by the concepts of "emotional intelligence" and "emotional competence" and what constitutes a person with a high EQ.

Second chapter is one of the most difficult. It is dedicated to awareness of emotions and the difficulties that we have with this. We will also look at the basic concepts of "positive" and "negative" emotions and the roles they play in our lives (personal and work).

Third chapter associated with awareness of the emotions of other people and various ways of deeper understanding of the inner world of another person.

Fourth chapter is dedicated to various ways and methods of managing one's emotions: those that help to cope with momentary emotions right during the situation (the so-called online methods), and those that contribute to building a long-term strategy of emotional self-management.

Finally, in fifth chapter we'll see how you can "honestly" manage the emotions of others. This is a chapter largely related to team management and leadership, motivation and the ability to lead people. We will also touch a little on how you can implement “emotional management” in your company, that is, a comprehensive management system built on the competent use of emotions in work.

Chapter first
Nothing personal, just business?

Emotions? I beg you, what emotions? My employees leave all their emotions at the checkpoint, but at work they work for me!

From a conversation with CEO one of the companies

The only way to create profit is to attract emotional, not rational employees and customers, this is an appeal to their feelings and fantasies.

Kjell Nordström, Jonas Ridderstrale,

Are emotions necessary in business?

Definition of "emotional intelligence"

Emotional Intelligence in Practice - Emotional Competence

Myths about emotional competence

How to measure emotional competence?

Is it possible to develop emotional competence?

Are emotions necessary in business?

Two different epigraphs illustrate two opposite approaches to emotions in business: many managers and businessmen believe that emotions have no place in business, and when they do appear, they certainly harm. There is another point of view: it is necessary to fill the company with emotions, and only then can it become great and invincible.

Who is right? Do businesses need emotions, and even if so, in what form? Does the concept of emotional intelligence mean that now the leader must begin to show all his emotions? And become as slightly "crazy" as the authors of "Funky Business"?

We constantly come across these and similar questions at conferences, forums, program presentations and during the trainings themselves. Although “emotional intelligence” is a fairly new concept, it has already gained great popularity and has managed to acquire a significant number of myths.

As in many other cases, the truth lies somewhere in the middle between the two approaches outlined in the epigraphs. As we will see later, emotional intelligence and emotionality, the manifestation of one's emotions, are not at all the same thing. Emotional intelligence helps us use our emotions wisely. It is impossible to completely exclude emotions from the life of the company and people management. Similarly, it is impossible to exclude the "dry" calculation. As Peter Senge puts it in his book The Fifth Discipline, “People who have achieved a lot on the path of cultivation ... not can choose between intuition and rationality, or between head and heart, just as we cannot decide whether to walk on one foot or see with one eye.

There are several reasons why ideas emotional management gaining popularity in the last few decades. To understand current trends, consider briefly the history of emotion management in organizations.

IN medieval Europe Despite the various norms and conventions already in place, emotions dominated "business." Any agreement or deal could be destroyed under the influence of momentary impulses. Fraud and murder lay in wait everywhere. Communication, including business, was accompanied by various insults, and often a fight. Moreover, such behavior was considered quite normal.

Over time, the degree of interdependence in entrepreneurship began to increase, and long-term and mutually beneficial relationships became necessary for the success of a business, which can very easily be ruined by completely inappropriately brandishing fists. And the business communities of those times forced people to gradually learn to restrain their emotions. For example, we came across a mention that in the charter of one of the guilds of bakers in the 14th century one could find the following clause: "Anyone who begins to use swear words and pour beer on a neighbor will be immediately expelled from the Guild."

Subsequently, with the advent of manufactories, it became necessary to control the manifestation of emotions by employees at work even more tightly. Unrestrained aggression could lead to fights and violent explanations among the workers, which greatly slowed down manufacturing process. Factory management was forced to introduce tough disciplinary measures and pay special attention to monitoring their implementation. Perhaps it was then that a strong conviction began to emerge that “emotions have no place at work.” In addition, already at that time, entrepreneurs began to look for a model of the ideal organization. The first such model was Taylor's theory (in fact, the first management theory): his ideal was an enterprise functioning like a machine, where each employee is a cog in the system. Naturally, in such a system there is no place for emotions.

Subsequently, communications in hierarchical organizations became more organized and structured, which made it possible to work more smoothly and achieve better results. In the twentieth century, the expression of emotions at work became almost unacceptable: the principle of "emotions interfere with work" finally won. A good employee leaves his emotions outside the organization, within which he is restrained and calm. Now it has become normal hide their emotions and "save face", despite any internal experiences. The long and difficult path of gradually pushing emotions out of business communication was almost completed. It seemed, at last, that one could breathe a sigh of relief... However, let's recall the trends in the corporate world over the past few years:

The pace of change in the world is constantly increasing.

Instead of product competition, service competition comes to the fore, and the concept of “relationship economy” appears.

changing organizational structure: Companies are becoming more flexible, less hierarchical, more decentralized. In this regard, the number of horizontal communications is increasing.

The idea of an ideal employee has changed: instead of a “cog” in the system, now it is “a person with initiative, able to make decisions and take responsibility for them.”

The values of owners and managers are beginning to change: they attach more and more importance to self-realization, the fulfillment of the company's mission, and they want to have enough free time to communicate with family and hobbies.

Among the values of society and many companies, the social responsibility of business and concern for personnel is becoming really significant.

Among companies, competition for the best employees has increased and continues to grow, the concept of “war for talents” has appeared.

For many talented workers, the importance of material motivation is declining. The need to enjoy all or most aspects of work began to dominate the scale of motivating values. In this regard, the corporate culture of the company, non-material motivation, the manager's management style, the possibility of freedom of action and receiving positive emotions at work become essential competitive advantages company as an employer. And at many global HR conferences, they seriously discuss how to make an employee happy, because numerous studies have proven that “happy people work better.”

In the HR environment last years the term “involvement” is gaining immense popularity, that is, such a rational and emotional the state of an employee in which he wants to maximize his abilities and resources to achieve the goals of the organization.

The crisis of 2008–2010 forced us to seriously reconsider our attitude to the emotional factors of motivation of both employers and employees. “Companies started counting money. And if before it was possible to purchase the right employees simply by paying more than the market, now even those companies that are considered leaders cannot always afford to offer wages significantly higher than in similar positions in other companies. In addition, against the backdrop of the crisis, the system of values “shaken” a little among the people themselves, and there is no longer an orientation towards money, towards “earning faster, faster, faster” and buying, for example, an apartment. People found themselves in a situation where they need to work more, and opportunities for earning and vacancies became smaller. Basic values began to come to the fore: family, home, enjoyment of life, enjoyment of work” (Yulia Sakharova, director of HeadHunter St. Petersburg, from a speech at the First Russian Conference on Emotional Intelligence in 2011).

If you carefully delve into all these trends, it becomes clear that they all affect the emotional sphere of life, therefore successful company and a successful leader just needs to learn how to use emotions to achieve corporate goals and teach their employees to do the same. Here you can draw a parallel with sports and recall the statement of the coach of the Russian national football team in 2006-2010, Guus Hiddink, in an interview: “To play with one of the best teams Europe, one should be highly intelligent. The slightest mistake will be punished. But playing without emotions is pointless, because it will harm the performance as a whole. If you manage to combine passion and the absence of mistakes, then you will get a great match.” In the same way, if you combine emotions and intelligence in managing a company, you can achieve great results!

Now let's see how the situation with the attitude towards emotions in Russian companies is. Many managers are already beginning to pay serious attention to the emotional factor in the management of the company and employees:

I consider one of good examples practical application of EQ work to retain promising employees. Such employees are rarely motivated by compensation or short-term rewards alone - it is vital for them that their goals, aspirations and attitude to work are understood and accepted on a deeper level. This information rarely reaches the manager in a clearly described “memorandum”, but rather comes through emotions, reactions, imperceptible signals in communication. In this interaction, a high EQ is indispensable, it shows the needs of an employee like a radar and allows him to correctly position himself in the organization, which is beneficial to both parties.

Sergei Shevchenko,
development director of Biaxplen LLC,
subsidiary of SIBUR LLC

Emotional intelligence is nothing but empathy; in ordinary life we call it that. Sensitivity, tact, the ability to hear the interlocutor, recognize, understand [his emotional state] and, as a result, give a logical, and not dictated by irritation answer - all this is the application of a scientific practice called EQ.

It is necessary to develop emotional intelligence, as a balanced, calm employee:

- takes care of your health;

- protect the health of colleagues;

- better able to negotiate;

- increases labor productivity;

All of this contributes to the success of the business.

Ivan Kalenichenko,
General Director of ZAO Futures Telecom

But, unfortunately, this opinion is not shared by all leaders. According to a HeadHunter survey, 23% of Russian managers still believe that emotions have no place at work.

When we were preparing the First Russian Conference on Emotional Intelligence in 2011, on the eve of the event, a bell rang in our office. The man on the other end, clearly experiencing a wide range of emotions, proudly told us that we were charlatans. When asked what exactly led him to such conclusions, he said: “Everyone knows that emotions at work are unprofessional. And here you are trying to convince people that this is not so.

To the question: “How does your boss influence the emotional climate in the team?” - only 8% of subordinates answer that the leader "always influences positively, infects with drive, energy." 22% of employees report a negative or “rather negative” influence from their boss, which is almost a quarter of those surveyed! Finally, less than 3% of respondents characterize their leader as “wonderful” (the answers also contain such epithets as “windbag”, “critic and know-it-all”, “on the verge of paranoia”, “energy vampire” ... etc.). The last figure makes you think that almost all leaders have room to improve in the field of emotional management of their employees and the company, and this does not at all mean a return to the chaos and disorder of the Middle Ages. Emotional management, that is, management that takes into account emotions in the work of the organization, is a complex and complex process that requires serious planning and fairly deep changes in the company, and possibly the formation of a new corporate culture.

It is important to understand that such a process requires changes in the leader himself: changing some stereotypes, developing new skills and abilities. And you need to be ready for this. As one of the participants in our presentations noted, “I understand that if I go to study with you, I will seriously change. I need to think if I'm ready for this now." Ask yourself, are you ready to change? And… try to think now: what emotions does the need for change cause in a person? We will return to this issue in the chapter on awareness of our emotions.

Business example: "The influence of the manager's emotional intelligence on the consequences of a corporate crisis"

To consider how the emotional intelligence of a leader can influence the performance of a company, consider two of the most famous corporate crises in US history at the end of the 20th century.

Johnson & Johnson (story one)

In the fall of 1982, 7 Chicagoans died as a result of cyanide poisoning found in the popular Tylenol drug manufactured by Johnson & Johnson. To appreciate the magnitude of this event, you should know that at that time this drug was the most popular analgesic in America, dominated the market and provided 20% of the total income of the company. We think it would not be an exaggeration to say that Tylenol could be found in the first aid kit of almost every American family.

The night after the tragedy, Tylenol collapsed as the nation's market leader in painkillers. Information about accidents instantly spread throughout the country, causing panic among the population, doctors, and pharmacists. the Drug Control Administration and food products recommended that the public stop using Tylenol until the investigation is completed. All over the country, packages with already purchased medicine were thrown out. The telephones of the central hospitals were interrupted by residents, frightened by what had happened and not knowing where to turn. People who took the medicine in the last day before the tragedy were urgently hospitalized throughout the country. US authorities have recorded several hundred cases of suspected Tylenol poisoning, most of which, as it turned out, were caused by a hysterical reaction to what happened.

The word "Tylenol" in a matter of hours became synonymous with the word "danger". Tylenol's market share as a pain reliever dropped to 4.5% (87% reduction). Many pundits predicted that Tylenol would never be able to return to the market, and analysts predicted a lasting impact of negative events on the firm's sales in general.

Exxon (second story)

In the spring of 1989, an Exxon tanker capsized in one of the ports of Alaska and an oil slick covered an area of 3,500 km2. 37,000 tons of oil leaked into the sea. As a result of this accident, approximately 2000 km of the coastline were covered with oil. Approximately 500,000 birds and 6,000 marine animals died, more than ever in the history of oil spills. Rescue work at the accident site continued for four consecutive seasons, involving up to 11,000 people.

Both catastrophes dealt an instant blow to the reputation of companies and their position in the market. However, the consequences of these crises were quite the opposite.

Exxon cardholders cut up over 40,000 Exxon credit cards and mailed them back to the company's headquarters. The company has lost its executive director, as well as the director of media relations, lost the trust of clients and was forced to deny rumors of an impending bankruptcy. The day of the accident, March 24, is still held in the United States under the sign of the memory of the tragic event.

Tylenol, on the other hand, already at the beginning of 1983, that is, 5 months after the tragedy, regained 70% of the market that it occupied before the crisis. Johnson & Johnson is currently - recognized leader on product safety and one of the most respected corporations, forcing competitors to follow suit.

The reaction of both companies was included in textbooks on anti-crisis management and PR under the headings: "How to act in a crisis situation" and "How not to act ever."

The actions of companies in general are often described in management textbooks, but much less attention is paid to the actions of the leaders of these companies during the current crisis. At the same time, in our opinion, it is the differences in these actions that indicate the influence of the manager's emotional intelligence on the business.

Let's imagine for a moment how both presidents of the companies felt at the center of a national tragedy? Being "at the sight" of the media, of course, completely unfriendly? Forced to answer for their company in the face of the whole country?

Have you imagined? .. And now let's see what each of them did in this situation.

It is hardly necessary to explain whose actions have brought more benefit to the company and which of these leaders is now a model of how to act in these circumstances.

Why did the leaders of large corporations behave in such a different way in crisis situations? Maybe Lawrence Rawl simply did not know how to behave in such cases? Hardly. Note that the situation with Exxon occurred 7 years later than the "Tylenol" crisis that thundered throughout the country, and Lawrence Rawl could not help but know how his colleague behaved in a similar situation. Moreover, if the decision to recall all Tylenol may look logically different, then the need in a crisis to appear at the scene of the tragedy, take personal responsibility and show sympathy for the victims seems quite obvious. Many experts in the field of anti-crisis management agree that if Lawrence Rawle had personally participated in cleaning up the coast from oil, then the situation could have had much less public outcry.

One of the possible answers to the question why the leaders behaved so differently may be the following: the actions of these people could be influenced by different level their emotional intelligence.

One can only guess how corporate executives feel when they learn about the catastrophe that has occurred in connection with their company. Most likely, intense fear, confusion, perhaps even despair.

Could it be that James Burke, president of Johnson & Johnson, was fearless? Johnson & Johnson employees recall that throughout the Tylenol situation within the company, James Burke exuded confidence that it would work out well. He made decisions about the company's actions in a crisis situation, guided not only by ethical values, but also by understanding the emotions of panic-stricken people. And he was able to find the courage to "put himself at the mercy of the media." However, it is hardly possible to actually feel no fear and remain calm when the whole country is engulfed in panic. because of your company. Most likely, he was able to become aware of his emotions and somehow cope with them. And when he did this, he was able to understand the emotions of people seized by the strongest fear. It was this that allowed him to save the company's most profitable product and accomplish what, from the point of view of logic, seemed impossible to everyone - after all, all analysts agreed that Johnson & Johnson would never again be able to produce a drug called Tylenol.

What happened to Lawrence Rawl? What made him say that he had "more important things to do" than a trip to the site of an environmental disaster? It is unlikely that the head of a large corporation could be so stupid so as not to assume the consequences of such statements in the media. Most likely, an unconscious fear prompted him to do this: the fear of talking to aggressive journalists and local residents; fear of seeing the consequences of an oil spill with your own eyes; fear that he will not be able to act effectively in this situation. Lawrence Rawle did exactly what fear prompts him to do: run away.

Frederick Winslow Taylor (or Taylor; 1856-1915) - American engineer, founder of scientific organization labor and management. Note. ed.

Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina

Emotional intellect. Russian practice

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

This book is well complemented by:

Emotional intellect. Why it might mean more than IQ

Daniel Goleman

Emotional intelligence in business

Daniel Goleman

Introduction

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and rational thinking is a devoted servant.

We have created a society that honors servants but forgets about gifts.

Albert Einstein

... Russian people are emotional, unlike many other nationalities, more sincere and less mechanical than Americans or Swedes. Therefore, they need more emotions in management.

Magazine "Expert"

Are you familiar with the phrases: “Let's not get too excited about this”, “The main thing for us now is to think it over carefully”, “You are too emotional about this”, “We should not be guided by emotions, we cannot let them take over common sense"? Probably yes. Emotions get in the way, we know. Emotions interfere with thinking and acting adequately. Emotions are very difficult (if not impossible) to manage. A strong person is one whose face does not flinch at any news. Business is a serious matter, and there is no room for worries and other “weaknesses” in it. People who, at the cost of colossal efforts, were able to achieve that they always keep themselves in control and do not show any emotions, consider this their advantage and a huge achievement.

We have been developing emotional intelligence in Russia since 2003 as part of EQuator training and consulting projects, and in this book we offer you methods, examples and ideas that have emerged in the course of joint work with Russian leaders and managers (although we will sometimes refer to the works of our esteemed foreign colleagues). Therefore, we can state with all responsibility that the techniques and methods described in this book have been tested and work in Russian conditions.

You can read the book in "book-lecture", that is, in the process of reading, simply familiarize yourself with the information offered. We hope that you will find many interesting facts and ideas related to emotions and emotional competence.

You may want to argue with some of the ideas and statements presented here - the topic of emotional intelligence is a subject of much debate. We have included in the book the typical objections that we face in our daily work. (For this, we have a “skeptical participant in the training”.) If you have any doubts or objections that we have not taken into account, we are open to discussing these ideas at the following addresses: Sergey -, Alena -, as well as in our group in the social network "VKontakte" www.vk.com/eqspb.

How is the book structured?

Third chapter associated with awareness of the emotions of other people and various ways of deeper understanding of the inner world of another person.

Chapter first

Nothing personal, just business?

Emotions? I beg you, what emotions? My employees leave all their emotions at the checkpoint, but at work they work for me!

From a conversation with the CEO of one of the companies

The only way to create profit is to attract emotional, not rational employees and customers, this is an appeal to their feelings and fantasies.

Kjell Nordström, Jonas Ridderstrale, Funky Business

Are emotions necessary in business?

Definition of "emotional intelligence"

Emotional Intelligence in Practice - Emotional Competence

Myths about emotional competence

How to measure emotional competence?

Is it possible to develop emotional competence?

Are emotions necessary in business?

Many people believe that emotions have no place in business. There is another point of view: it is necessary to fill the company with emotions, and only then it can become great. Who is right? Emotional competence skills help people manage themselves and the behavior of others more effectively. The authors offer their own approach to emotions and emotional competence.

This is not my first time addressing the topic of emotional intelligence. See also , .

Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina. Emotional intellect. Russian practice. - M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2014. - 448 p.

Download a short abstract in format or

Are you familiar with the phrases: you are too emotional about this; emotions interfere with work; emotions interfere with thinking and acting adequately; business is a serious matter, and there is no room for worries in it? People who, at the cost of colossal efforts, were able to achieve that they always keep themselves in control and do not show any emotions, consider this their advantage and a huge achievement. Meanwhile, by saying these and similar phrases and thinking in this way, we deprive ourselves and our colleagues of one of the most unique resources in business - our own emotions, and the business itself - a significant potential for development.

Chapter first. Nothing personal, just business?

The only way to create profit is to attract emotional, not rational employees and customers, this is an appeal to their feelings and fantasies.
Kjell Nordström, Jonas Ridderstrale, Funky Business

Are emotions necessary in business? It is impossible to completely exclude emotions from the life of the company and people management. Similarly, it is impossible to exclude the "dry" calculation. As Peter Senge puts it in his book, "People who have achieved a lot on the path of cultivation ... cannot choose between intuition and rationality, or between head and heart."

The model of emotional competence of the training company EQuator consists of four skills: the ability to be aware of one's emotions; the ability to recognize the emotions of others; the ability to manage your emotions; the ability to manage the emotions of others. This model is hierarchical - in other words, each next skill can be developed, already having the previous one in your arsenal. For, as Publius Cyr said back in the 1st century BC, “one can only control what we are aware of. What we are not aware of controls us.”

A person with a high level of emotional competence is able to clearly understand what emotion he is experiencing at one time or another, to distinguish degrees of intensity of emotions, to imagine the source of emotion, to notice changes in his state, and also to predict how this emotion can affect his behavior.

Myths about emotional competence. Emotional competence = emotionality. A person with a high EQ is always calm and good mood. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than cognitive intelligence (IQ).

How to measure emotional competence? So far, there are no universally recognized tests for measuring emotional intelligence in Russia. Adaptation to the RAS is currently underway MSCEIT, one of the recognized American tests for EQ. We suggest assessing emotional competence through skill-specific self-assessment. You will find a list of skills in a particular area of emotional competence at the beginning of each chapter.

Emotional competence, like other skills, develops and develops. More often than not, we were taught not to be aware, but to suppress our emotions. Meanwhile, the suppression of emotions is harmful to health and relationships with others, so it makes sense to learn to be aware of emotions and develop other ways to manage them.

Chapter two. “How do you feel?”, or Awareness and understanding of your emotions

Most often the term awareness is used in psychotherapeutic texts when it means "the transfer into the realm of consciousness of some facts that were previously in the unconscious." In order to understand our emotions, in addition to consciousness itself, we need words, a certain terminological apparatus.

What is "emotion"? Can emotions "not be"? We have divided emotions into “bad” and “good” and expect to deal with them in this way. We will encourage the good ones and suppress the bad ones. And, oddly enough, many people think that this is enough. We usually offer the following definition: Emotion is a reaction organism for any change in external environment. We introduce the term organism in order to draw your attention to some two conditional levels of our interaction with the world. We connect with him at the level of logic (a reasonable person) and at the same time - at the level organism(on a reflex, instinctive and emotional level), not fully aware of all the ongoing processes.

What are emotions, that is, what words are they defined by? "Anxiety", "happiness", "sadness" ... and to remember them, some efforts are required - they are not in the "operative" memory, you need to fish them out from somewhere deep. People can hardly remember which words it called! To make it easier to recognize emotions, it is worth introducing some kind of classification of emotional states.

We suggest four classes of basic emotional states: fear, anger, sadness and joy. Fear and anger are emotions originally associated with survival. Sadness and joy are emotions associated with the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of our needs.

Fear and anger These are the most basic emotions. If it can eat me, then the reaction of fear ensures the restructuring of the body in order to escape. If it it cannot eat me, some other restructuring of the body is required, which is necessary for an attack - a reaction of anger. So from the point of view of the main need of the organism - in survival - fear and anger are very positive emotions. Without them, people would not have survived at all, and the logical divisions of the brain would certainly not have had enough time to develop and evolve.

In today's world, we are more interested in social interaction. And it turns out that people are so arranged that the emotional parts of the brain perceive a threat to our ego, our social status in the same way as a threat to the integrity of our body.

Instead of positive and negative emotions, we prefer to use the term "adequate" (situations) emotion or "inadequate" (situations) emotion. At the same time, both the emotion itself and the degree of its intensity are important (“it would be useful to worry a little about this, but panicking is completely unnecessary”).

Social stereotypes that interfere with the awareness of emotions."Do not be afraid of anything". If you look at fear and courage from a logical point of view, then a brave person is one who knows how to overcome his fear, and not one who does not experience it at all. "You can't get angry." This statement implies a ban on the manifestation of strong irritation and anger, and more precisely on actions caused by anger that can harm others. The ban on actions is quite logical and necessary modern society. But we automatically transfer this prohibition to the feelings themselves. Instead of recognizing that we have anger emotions and managing them constructively, we prefer to think that we do not have these emotions. And then an adult girl suffers when she needs to be firm in relations with subordinates or a negotiating partner, when she needs to stand her ground, defend her interests and the interests of her loved ones, achieve her goals - after all, this requires the energy of anger, irritation.

Sadness and joy- these are emotions that are no longer observed in all organisms, but only in those that have social needs. If we recall the famous Maslow pyramid, then we can say that the emotions of fear and anger are more associated with two lower levels needs (physiological and the need for security), and sadness and joy - with those needs that arise during social interaction with other people (needs for belonging and acceptance).

In modern culture, sadness is generally not welcomed. And people tend to avoid sadness, sadness, disappointments, and live so neatly ... There is a lot of good and valuable in a positive approach, but in its “correct” understanding it does not imply a ban on sadness. What about joy? Folk wisdom, surprisingly, does not recommend us to rejoice either: "laughter for no reason is a sign of a fool." In many cultures, suffering, tragedy or self-sacrifice in the name of someone (or better something) is revered.

By the way, what do you think is the most expressed emotion at work? And the least manifested? The most expressed emotion at work is anger, and the least expressed is joy. Most likely, this is due to the fact that anger is associated with power, control and confidence, and joy is associated with frivolity and carelessness (“we are here to do business, not to giggle”).

Emotions and the brain. Neurophysiological foundations of emotional intelligence. neocortex- that is, the “new cortex”, which evolutionarily appeared as the last part of the brain, the most developed only in humans. The neocortex is responsible for higher nervous functions, in particular for thinking and speech. limbic system is responsible for metabolism, heart rate and blood pressure, hormones, sense of smell, feelings of hunger, thirst and sexual desire, and is also strongly associated with memory. The limbic system, by giving emotional coloring to our experience, contributes to learning: those behaviors that deliver "pleasant" will be strengthened, and those that entail "punishment" will be gradually rejected. If, when we say “brain”, we usually mean “neocortex”, then when we say “heart”, we, oddly enough, also mean the brain, namely the limbic system. The oldest part of the brain reptilian brain - controls breathing, blood circulation, movement of muscles and muscles of the body, provides coordination of hand movements when walking and gestures during speech communication. This brain functions during a coma.

The memory of the reptilian brain functions separately from the memory of the limbic system and the neocortex, that is, separately from consciousness. Thus, it is in the reptilian brain that our “unconscious” is located. The reptilian brain is responsible for our survival and our deepest instincts: foraging for food, seeking shelter, defending our territory (and mothers protecting their young). When we sense danger, this brain triggers the fight-or-flight response. When the reptilian brain shows dominant activity, a person loses the ability to think at the level of the neocortex and begin to act automatically, without consciousness control. When does it happen? First of all, in case of direct danger to life. Since the reptilian complex is older, much faster and has time to process much more information than the neocortex, it was he who was instructed by wise nature to make decisions in case of danger.

It is the reptilian complex that helps us “survive by a miracle” in critical situations. As long as the intensity of emotional signals is not very high, parts of the brain interact normally and the brain as a whole functions effectively. But when a certain level of intensity of emotional signals is exceeded, the level of our logical thinking sharply decreases.

The global drama of emotional intelligence. For emotions of great intensity (which we know a lot about and have many words for), we do not have a directly aware tool - the brain (or rather, it does not work very well). And for low-intensity emotions, when this tool works great, there are no words - another tool for awareness. There are very narrow area somewhere in the middle, where we can be aware of emotions, but here we lack the skill, the habit of systematically paying attention to our emotional state. Precisely because we do not know how to recognize emotions, we do not know how to manage them.

It is those passions, the nature of which we misunderstand, that dominate us the most. And the weakest of all are feelings, the origin of which we understand.
Oscar Wilde

Emotions and body. Awareness of emotions through bodily sensations and self-observation. What does it mean to pay attention to your emotional state? Emotions live in our body. Thanks to the limbic system, the emergence and change of emotional states almost immediately causes any changes in the state of the body, in bodily sensations. Therefore, the process of understanding emotions is, in fact, the process of comparing bodily sensations with some word from our dictionary or a set of such words. There is a theory that people are divided into kinesthetics, visuals and auditory according to their way of interacting with the outside world. Feelings are closer and more understandable to kinesthetics, visual images are closer and more understandable to visuals, sounds are to audials.

Try to imagine yourself as an outside observer, then you may notice that you are slightly pressing your head into your shoulders (fear), or constantly pointing your finger at, or speaking in a higher voice, or your intonation is a little ironic. To understand an emotion, we need consciousness, terminological apparatus and the ability to pay attention to ourselves. and for that we need training.

Awareness and understanding of emotions. When we talk about understanding, we mean several factors. Firstly, it is an understanding of the cause-and-effect relationships between specific situations and emotions, that is, the answer to the questions “What is the cause of different emotional states?” and “What consequences can these conditions have?”. Secondly, this is an understanding of the meaning of emotions - what does this or that emotion signal to us, why do we need it?

Emotional cocktails. The model proposed by us also helps to develop the skill of awareness because it can be used to “decompose” any complex emotional terms into a certain spectrum of four basic emotions and something else.

How do we protect ourselves from fear? Everything that is unknown and new to us, at the level of the organism, must first be scanned for danger. At the level of logic, we can be ready for change and even quite sincerely "wait for change." But our body resists them with all its might.

social fears. Threats of losing social status, respect and acceptance by other people are just as significant for us, because it means being left alone. There are a lot more unconscious fears in our lives than we used to think.

Can you be angry with yourself? Let's introduce such a metaphor - the direction of an emotion, rather not even an emotion, but of possible actions that can follow this emotion. Fear will make us run away from the object or freeze. That is, fear is directed, as it were, "from". Sadness is rather directed inward, it focuses us on ourselves. But anger always has a specific external object, it is directed towards. Why? Because this is the very essence of emotion - anger prompts in the first place to fight. And no normal "organism" will fight with itself, it is contrary to nature. But we were taught as children that it’s not good to be annoyed, so the idea arises: “I’m angry with myself.”

Emotions and motivation. So, emotion is primarily a reaction, we receive a signal from the outside world and react to it. We react by direct experience of this state and action. One of the most important purposes of emotion is to move us to some activity. Emotions and motivation are generally words of the same root. They come from the same Latin word movere (to move). The emotions of fear and anger are often referred to as the "fight or flight" response. Fear motivates organisms to activities associated with protection, anger - with an attack. If we talk about a person and his social interaction, then we can say that fear motivates us to preserve, save something, and anger - to achieve.

Making decisions. Emotions and intuition. Before making a decision, people usually calculate various options, think about them, discard the most inappropriate ones, and then choose from the remaining options (usually from two). They decide which one is preferable - A or B. Finally, at some point they say "A" or "B". And what will be this final choice is determined by emotions.

Mutual influence of emotions and logic. Not only our emotions affect our logic, our rational thinking, for its part, also affects our emotions. Thus, the extended definition will be as follows: emotion is the reaction of the body (emotional parts of the brain) to changes in the environment external to these parts. It could be a change in the situation in the outside world, or a change in our thoughts or in our body.

Chapter three. Awareness and understanding of the emotions of others

People's feelings are much more interesting than their thoughts.
Oscar Wilde

In essence, the process of becoming aware of the emotions of others means that at the right moment you should pay attention to what emotions your interaction partner is experiencing and call them a word. In addition, the skill of understanding the emotions of others includes the ability to predict how your words or actions may affect the emotional state of another. It is important to remember that people communicate at two levels: at the level of logic and at the level of "organism". It can be difficult to understand the emotional state of another, because we are used to paying attention to the logical level of interaction: numbers, facts, data, words. The paradox of human communication: at the level of logic, we are poorly able to realize, understand what another person feels, and we think that we ourselves can hide and hide our state from others. However, in fact, our “organisms” communicate perfectly with each other and understand each other very well, no matter what we fantasize about our self-control and the ability to control ourselves!

So, our emotions are transmitted and read by another "organism", regardless of whether we are aware of them or not. Why is this happening? To understand, you need to know that in the human body there are closed and open systems. The state of a closed system of one person does not affect the state of the same system of another person. Closed systems include, for example, the digestive or circulatory system. The emotional system is open: this means that the emotional background of one person directly affects the emotions of another. Do open system closed is not possible. In other words, no matter how much we sometimes want it, we cannot forbid our “organisms” to communicate

On the influence of logic and words on the emotional state of the interlocutor. Usually we tend to judge the intentions of another by the actions that he performs, focusing on his emotional state. One of the most important components of the skill of understanding the emotions of others is understanding what emotional effect our actions will produce. It is important to take responsibility for your actions and remember that people are reacting to your behavior, not good intentions. Moreover, they are absolutely not obliged to guess about the intentions and take them into account if your behavior causes them unpleasant emotions.

There are two simple rules to remember. (1) If you are the initiator of communication and want to realize some of your goals, remember that for the other person, it is not your intentions that matter, but your actions! (2) If you want to understand another person, it is important to be aware not only of his actions, but, if possible, of the intentions that dictated them. Most likely, his intention was positive and kind, he simply could not find suitable actions for him.

To understand the emotions of others, we must take into account that the emotional state of another affects our own emotional state. This means that we can understand another through awareness of changes in our emotional state - as if we ourselves can feel the same thing that he feels - this is called empathy.

The emotional state of the other is manifested at the level of the "organism", that is, through non-verbal signals - we can consciously observe the non-verbal level of communication. We are well aware and understand the verbal level of interaction - that is, in order to understand what the interlocutor feels, you can ask him about it. So, we have three main methods of understanding the emotions of others: empathy, observation of non-verbal signals, verbal communication: questions and assumptions about the feelings of another.

Empathy. Recent discoveries in the field of neurophysiology confirm that the ability to unconsciously “reflect” the emotions and behavior of another is innate. Moreover, this understanding (“mirroring”) occurs automatically, without conscious reflection or analysis. If all people have mirror neurons, then why is it that some people are so good at understanding the emotions of others, while others are so difficult to do so? The difference lies in the awareness of their emotions. People who are good at capturing changes in their emotional state are able to intuitively understand the emotions of other people very well. People who are less capable of empathy find it more difficult to connect with other people and understand their feelings and desires. Many of them easily get into situations associated with interpersonal misunderstandings and misunderstandings.

Why do we feel what others feel? On the meaning of mirror neurons. For a long time, the nature of this phenomenon remained unknown. Only in the mid-1990s, the Italian neurologist Giacomo Rizzolatti, having discovered the so-called mirror neurons, was able to explain the mechanism of the “reflection” process. Mirror neurons help us understand the other not through rational analysis, but through our own feeling, which arises from internal modeling of the actions of another person. We cannot refuse to “mirror” another person. Moreover, our internal copy of the actions of another person is complex, that is, it includes not only the actions themselves, but also the sensations associated with them, as well as the emotional state that accompanies this action. This is what the mechanism of empathy and “feeling” of another person is based on.

Popular wisdom says: if you want to learn something, watch people who do it well.

"Trick me". Understanding non-verbal behavior.

The joy of seeing and understanding is the most beautiful gift of nature.
Albert Einstein

Let's understand what non-verbal behavior is. Very often this is understood as "sign language". At one time, a lot of books with a similar title were published, the most popular of which was probably Allan Pease's Body Language. Actually, what do we call verbal communication? These are the words and texts that we communicate to each other. Everything else is non-verbal communication. In addition to gestures, our facial expressions, postures and the position that we occupy in space (distance) relative to other people and objects are of great importance. Even the way we are dressed carries non-verbal information(came in an expensive suit with a tie or ripped jeans). And there is another component of non-verbal communication. We pronounce the texts that we communicate with some kind of intonation, speed, loudness, sometimes we clearly articulate all sounds, sometimes, on the contrary, we stumble and make reservations. This type of non-verbal communication has a separate name - paralinguistic.

There is a so-called Mehrabian effect, which is as follows: at the first meeting, a person trusts only 7% of what the other says (verbal communication), 38% of how he pronounces it (paralinguistic), and 55% of how what it looks like and where it is located (non-verbal). Why do you think this is happening? Emotions live in the body, and, accordingly, they manifest themselves in the body, and no matter how you hide them. Therefore, if a person is insincere, then no matter what he says, his emotions will betray him.

There are two opposite points of view. The first says that people are inherently evil, selfish and ready to defend their interests, not shunning anything, including deceit. The second says that people initially intend to do good. Each of us has met people who would confirm the validity of both points of view. However, whichever point of view you believe in, you will attract such people to yourself, as well as get (unconsciously) into situations that confirm it. Therefore, let's not talk about deliberate deceit, but use the emotionally neutral term "incongruity." This term is used when talking about the discrepancy between verbal and non-verbal signals to each other.

What do you need to do to learn to understand non-verbal behavior? Don't be fooled into thinking you'll "read" other people after that, as fashion headlines might promise. It is worth being aware of non-verbal communication in the complex and paying attention to its various aspects. Of greatest importance for the interaction and understanding of another person is a change in non-verbal position. If you notice his condition, you can contact him with a question, then you will be able to get more information from him.

Just as with becoming aware of your own emotions, practice is essential. Turn on television and turn off the sound. Find some feature film and watch it for a while, observing the gestures, facial expressions and location in space of the characters. Public transport. What do these people feel? If you see a couple, what kind of relationship are they in? If someone tells something to someone, is it a funny story or a sad one? Conference. Are these two really happy to see each other, or are they just pretending to be happy, but are they really competitors who dislike each other? Office.“What is this person feeling now?”, “What emotions is he experiencing?” Having guessed some answer, we can then analyze what we observe in this person's non-verbal behavior and ask ourselves whether my assumption about this person's emotions correlates with my ideas about gestures, postures and facial expressions.

Monitoring paralinguistic communication. If a person suddenly begins to stutter, stutter, mumble or talk, then this is most likely an indicator of some degree of fear. Aggressive emotions can be characterized by an increase in the volume of speech. In melancholy-sadness, people rather speak quieter, longer and more mournfully, often accompanying their speech with sighs and long pauses. Joy is usually divided into higher tones and at a fast pace (remember how the crow from Krylov's fable - "for joy in the goiter breathed"), so the tone becomes higher and speech more confused. However, this applies mainly to pronounced emotions. Therefore, in order to improve the skills of understanding paralinguistic communication, one can again advise to include an observer of this process in oneself more often.

"Do you want to talk about it?" How to ask about feelings? A direct question may cause some anxiety or annoyance, or both. It turns out that everything is not so simple with the technology of awareness and understanding of the emotions of others through direct “asking”. The main difficulties of the verbal way of understanding the emotions of others: people do not know how to recognize their emotions, and it is difficult for them to correctly answer the question about feelings and emotions. Such a question itself, due to its unusualness, causes emotions of anxiety and irritation, which reduces the truth of the answer.

Open-ended questions on the title itself “open” space for a detailed answer, for example: “What do you think about this?”. Closed questions "close" this space, suggesting a clear yes or no answer. In communication theory, it is recommended to refrain from an excessive number of closed questions, and use open questions more.

Since asking about emotions in our society is not very accepted, it is important to formulate these questions very gently and as if apologizing. So, from the phrase: “Are you mad now, or what?” - we get: "May I suggest that you are perhaps somewhat annoyed by this situation?"

Use the following speech formula, it is verified by the authors and is the most correct. Any technique = essence (core technique) + "depreciation". Moreover, the essence is the logical level of technology application, and depreciation is the emotional one.

Empathic expression. In the theory of communication there is such a thing - an empathic statement, that is, a statement about the feelings (emotions) of the interlocutor. The structure of an empathic utterance allows the speaker to express how he understands the feelings experienced by another person, without assessing the emotional state experienced (encouraging, condemning, demanding, advice, reducing the significance of the problem, etc.). It can be enough to say to an annoyed person: “Is it supposed to be annoying when there are delays in the project all the time?” - as he becomes noticeably calmer. Why does it work? Most people are not aware of their emotions, and neither is this man. But at the moment when he hears a phrase about emotions, he involuntarily pays attention to his emotional state. As soon as he becomes aware of his irritation, his connection with logic is restored and the level of irritation automatically drops.

What happens if we do not realize (do not understand) the emotions of other people? If representatives of Gazprom had thought about what emotions the construction of the Okhta Center would cause among residents, they might have been able to reduce the emotional intensity of discussions.

Chapter Four. "Learn to control yourself", or Managing your emotions

General principles of managing emotions: the principle of responsibility for one's emotions; the principle of accepting all your emotions; the principle of goal-setting in the management of emotions.

The principle of responsibility for your emotions. For what I experience at a certain point in time, I alone am responsible. How is it that we cannot influence what the other person tells us!? Indeed, we cannot always change the situation itself. However, now we are talking about our emotional state - but it is precisely this that can be controlled. Recognizing that I am able to manage my own state is to take responsibility for my emotions and the actions that follow from these emotions.

Acceptance of all your emotions. All emotions are useful in one situation or another, and therefore it is illogical to permanently exclude any emotion from your behavior. As long as we do not recognize the presence of an emotion, “do not see it”, we cannot see the situation as a whole well, that is, we do not have sufficient information. And of course, without recognizing the presence of some emotion, we cannot part with it, it remains somewhere inside in the form of muscle clamps, psychological trauma and other troubles. If we forbid ourselves to experience an emotion that we consider negative, then our emotional state worsens even more! Similarly, if we forbid ourselves to rejoice sincerely, then joy disappears.

Max Fry, a well-known science fiction writer, in his “Book of Complaints” describes it this way: “This jewel is in most cases lying around in the darkest closet […] account for daily bread? Where has the thrill gone? Why does the heart not break into pieces for every trifling occasion? And some sigh obediently: “I am getting old”, others rejoice: “I am becoming wiser, gaining power over emotions.” And the very best understand [...] that there is almost nothing to lose, and [are ready to do anything], just to gain a treasure that has been wasted on trifles for a moment.

Losing part of the emotions, we lose the feeling of the fullness of life. There is another way. Bring emotions back into your life. Return - this does not mean to become emotionally unrestrained. It means accepting the right of emotions to exist and finding additional ways to manage them. Let's start the return with the "small" joys. The view of the uninitiated. To explain the essence of this method, we need to describe the city in which we live. Marsha Reynolds calls "the look of the uninitiated" - the look of a person who sees something for the first time. As you know, "you quickly get used to the good." And we get used to the city in which we live, to the company in which we work, to the people who are next to us.

When choosing any behavior, the key is the answer to the question: "What is the goal?" In addition to the purpose of the action, there are two more important characteristics: it is the price and value. Value is the benefits that I will receive by taking actions; the price is what I have to pay to get these benefits. Only sophisticated manipulators can make it so that they get only value and pay no price. The most effective actions in managing emotions are those that will help achieve the desired result (value) at the lowest cost (price).

Emotion management algorithm

Emotion management can be divided into two subgroups: reducing the intensity of a "negative" emotion and / or switching it to another ("negative" emotion in our meaning - the one that prevents you from acting effectively in the current situation). Arousing in yourself / strengthening a “positive” emotion (that is, one that will help you act as efficiently as possible). It turns out the quadrant of managing your emotions:

In addition, we can consider reactive and proactive emotion management. We will need reactive management of emotions when emotions have already appeared and prevent us from acting effectively. These methods are also called "online" methods, because right now, right now, something needs to be done. Proactive emotion management refers to managing the emotional state outside of a specific situation (“offline”) and may include analyzing the situation (why am I so turned on? what can I do next time?), working on creating general mood and mood background. Thus, emotion management techniques can be placed in our quadrant:

What is a leader to do? It is important for him to be able to find formulations to communicate to others about his emotional state. But to show emotions is a weakness! The subordinates will think that if I am unable to cope with my emotions, then I am weak! This is the most common stereotype about emotions in the work of a leader. Do you know what employees really think? "It's hard for him too! He is human too! - instead of thinking: “This one, upstairs, doesn’t care, he doesn’t give a damn about what happens to us.” Communicating your emotions is not a loss of power, it is another power.

« metaposition"- this is like a look of an outside observer, when you look at the situation as if from the side or as if you were watching yourself and your interlocutor, for example, from a balcony, that is, from a distance. Thus, we kind of “get out of the situation”, leaving all our emotions inside it, and have the opportunity to look at what is happening objectively.

As you know, strong emotions prevent us from thinking. Less well known is that the opposite is also true: an active thought process reduces the intensity of the emotions we experience. In a situation where we are excited or very nervous before an event, it is useful to start thinking.

The ability to cope with momentary impulses is one of the components of the skill of managing your emotions. Fire prevention means: muscle relaxation. Emotions create physical tension in our body. Accordingly, removing it and relaxing, we remove and emotional stress.

mental methods. Emotions are divided into primary and secondary. Primary emotions arise as a direct reaction to an event. Primary emotions are fleeting. The situation is over, the emotion is also gone. Secondary emotions arise as a result of the interaction of the neocortex and the limbic system as our reaction to the logical evaluation of a given event (and not to the event itself). Thus, secondary emotions are associated with our memory and experience of social interaction, as well as the presence of various kinds of attitudes.

This implies the most important property of secondary emotions - they may not be limited in time at all, a person can experience them for a very long period of time. But there is a plus - we can consciously control these emotions with the help of the neocortex. All mental ways of managing emotions are aimed precisely at working with secondary emotions.

How is work built according to the ABC scheme? The chain looks like this: “He does not call” (situation A) - “So he does not like me” (thoughts B) - “I am upset and depressed” (emotions C). And emotions arise precisely in response to thoughts! In fact, this scheme is a more structured presentation ancient wisdom"You can't change the situation - change your attitude towards it." It is important to find opportunities for a different assessment of the situation (other thoughts), which, in turn, will lead to other emotions. The most difficult thing in the ABC scheme is to determine the thoughts that cause this or that emotion. The last step of the algorithm remains. It is important to install this new thought in your head.

Considering that we are all subject to delusions to one degree or another, we should choose beliefs for ourselves that give maximum pleasure.
Max Fry,

If you look carefully at the list of your statements, then, most likely, in many of them there are so-called absolute words: “always”, “everything”, “never”, etc. Our thoughts, which contain the idea that "it always happens this way," are irrational. In other words, they are illogical. These are our stereotypes about ourselves, various situations and other people. The beliefs brought from childhood about what is “good” and what is “bad” prevent us from perceiving things as they really are, and not as we used to think about them. Why are they irrational and illogical? Because they contain absolute words: “always”, “never”, “everything”, “any”, “no one”, as well as tough assessments: “correct”, “normal”, “good”, “bad” (based on what criteria is "good"?). The installation slows us down in development. Installations are used by manipulators. “You are the leader, you must.” And the person who was told this, if he has the appropriate attitude, has the only option left for how to act. Right. Finally, behavior outside the set (both one's own and other people's) causes a very strong emotional reaction.

Therefore, if we want to respond more calmly to what is happening in the world around us, it is worth reformulating our irrational beliefs in such a way as to allow for the possibility of other behavior and the free choice of this behavior. Remove absolutism and unambiguity from it. These thoughts and attitudes are often not realized. If you manage to realize them, then you can reformulate an irrational belief.

Reframing lies in the fact that the situation itself remains the same, we just consider it in a different context, that is, we change the framework. Reframing is in a good way going beyond your own stereotypes and ideas about how everything “should be”. Many well-known company slogans, in essence, are also reframing when we expand the scope of our work ... Nokia: Connecting people, Walt Disney: Making people happy.

In order to find the framework in which the situation will begin to evoke other emotions in us, it is important not only to focus, but also to be able to focus internally on finding the positive. More often we concentrate on the unpleasant, which causes the corresponding emotions in us, but in the same way you can set yourself up to see the good that is in this situation. Another way of reframing is without changing the frame of the situation, to change the attitude towards it, changing the way we call it. Words have a huge emotional connotation. Remember: "Whatever you call a yacht, so it will float."

Ability to translate problems into goals problem-oriented questions. What do you want instead of your problem? What are all possible options for achieving such a result? (Everything, including the crazy, the unreal, and the downright fantastic.) Turn on your fantasy! What resources can help you solve this problem most quickly? What kind of people can help you solve this problem? What can you do today to start moving towards achieving the desired result?

Problem-oriented questions are aimed at analyzing the problem. Analytical thoughts often make us feel a little sad. At the same time, problem-oriented questions most often do not help us find solutions. The main focus of goal-setting questions is the achievement of the goal and the search for ways to achieve the goal. Since, in order to move forward, we need irritation, and to find new ways, some emotion from the class of joy, there is a feeling of drive, a desire to move forward. One of the ways to manage emotional states is to use goal-setting thinking.

rituals- one of the most effective ways to deal with an emotion that haunts you for a long time.

Anger. Remember that irritation arises for action, and if we cannot realize the action itself, we need to find a replacement for it. Majority practical advice anger management is based on this idea.

Sadness. If fear and anger are tonic emotions, then sadness is an emotion that lowers the tone, low-energy. Therefore, this emotion is more difficult to manage, sadness sucks like a swamp. It is best to get out of such a “sluggish” state by energizing: for example, by engaging in physical activity or switching to another, tonic emotion: joy, fear or anger.

"Lighting the spark." It is important for managers, as well as for all representatives of professions related to working with people, to be able to evoke the necessary emotional state in themselves. Once you've tuned in, you'll be more efficient. Some psychologists call this state the state "", and the Russian folk expression defines it as "everything in the hands is on fire." This skill can be developed to the ability to enter the resource state - the ability to quickly enter the state in which everything works out for the best.

positive approach- not at all the same as blind optimism and rose-colored glasses. Its essence is in the name: "positive" comes from the word "positum", that is, "what is available." What we call a positive attitude is called “rational optimism” in some American sources: relying on what is good already, and not on what might be great in the future. We are honored to be tormented by guilt, thoughtfully examine our mistakes, strive for excellence and make pessimistic forecasts of developments. This is considered smart. Be positive, pay attention to yourself strengths and making optimistic forecasts is considered easy and frivolous.

Constructive feedback to yourself. Analyzing all the actions that we have performed, we sort them into two groups: “Effective, next time I will do the same” and “Next time I will do it differently” (instead of the standard “right / wrong” analysis). Optimism researcher Martin Seligman identified three pillars of pessimism: generalization (“I never succeed at anything at all”); immutability (“I have never succeeded and will never succeed”); self-accusation (“and only I am to blame for all this”). Constructive feedback to oneself helps to “get around” these three whales and give a clear and objective assessment of the situation. The main criterion for quality feedback is its non-judgmental value. Imagine that something that we say to ourselves in a moment of extreme despondency, someone else will tell us. At least we will be very offended. Why, then, do we allow ourselves to treat ourselves this way and speak out about ourselves this way?

We do not urge you to constantly be in positive mood. As we remember, fear, anger and sadness are also useful emotions, and by allowing only positive emotions into our lives, we lose a lot of information and may miss something important. At the same time, when we are positively disposed, it is much more difficult for us to upset or piss us off. Thus, a positive approach provides us with a solid footing and a kind of protection against the excessive influence of unpleasant events and emotions on us.

Restoration of leadership potential. The extremely stressful nature of the work of managers leads to a special form of stress - managerial stress. Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee, in their book Resonant Leadership, say that psychological fatigue leads to the fact that both the self-esteem and the emotional state of the leader become unstable. They recommend resisting this with the help of activity of consciousness, optimism and empathy.

Chapter five. Managing the emotions of others

When we talk about managing others, it comes to the fore goal setting principle.

Algorithm for managing the emotions of others:

Recognize and understand your emotions
Recognize and understand the partner's emotion.
Determine a goal that takes into account both my interests and the interests of a partner.
Think about what emotional state of both of us will help to interact more effectively.
Take action to get yourself in the right emotional state.
Take action to help your partner get into the right emotional state.

The principle of civilized influence (management of emotions and manipulation). Since emotions are the motivators of our behavior, in order to cause a certain behavior, it is necessary to change the emotional state of another. Barbaric methods include those that are considered "dishonest" or "ugly" in society. In this book, we consider those methods of managing the emotions of others that are "honest" or civilized forms of influence. That is, they take into account not only my goals, but also the goals of my communication partner. What is manipulation? It's kind of hidden psychological influence when the target of the manipulator is unknown. Manipulation in most cases is an ineffective type of behavior, because: a) it does not guarantee a result; b) leaves behind an unpleasant "residue" in the object of manipulation and leads to a deterioration in relations.

Manipulation or game? Not in all cases, open and calm behavior, including an honest statement about your goals, can be most effective. Or at least be pleasant for both sides of the communication. Managing people also includes a huge amount of manipulation. This is largely due to the fact that the leader for his subordinates is associated with dad or mom, and a lot of child-parent aspects of interaction, including manipulation, are included. Since, when controlling the emotions of others, we do not always state our goal (“Now I will calm you down”), in a certain sense, of course, one can say that this is manipulation.

The principle of accepting the emotions of others. In order to make it easier for you to accept the emotional state of another person, it makes sense to remember two simple ideas: if the other person behaves “inappropriately” (yelling, screaming, crying), this means that he is now very ill. And since it is difficult and difficult for him, you should sympathize with him. Intention and action are two different things. If a person hurts you with their behavior, this does not mean that he really wants it.

When we allow ourselves some behavior, it usually does not annoy us in other people either. Common Mistake when managing the emotions of others - underestimation of the importance of emotions, an attempt to convince that the problem is not worth such emotions. What reaction does such an assessment of the situation by another person evoke? Irritation and resentment, the feeling that "they don't understand me." What he needs most right now is to be accepted along with all his emotions. Another idea is to immediately solve his problem, then he will stop experiencing the emotion that bothers me so much.

The Quadrant for Managing the Emotions of Others

If, when managing their emotions, people are more often interested in reducing negative emotions, then when it comes to managing the emotions of others, the need to call and strengthen the desired emotional state comes to the fore - after all, it is through this that leadership is carried out

"We put out the fire"- quick methods of reducing someone else's emotional stress. To do this, you can use any verbal methods of understanding the emotions of others. Questions like “How are you feeling right now?” or empathic statements (“You seem a little angry right now”). Our empathy and recognition of the other's emotions, expressed in the phrases: "Oh, that must have been very hurtful" or "You're still mad at him, right?", Much better than if we give "smart" adviсe.

The use of express methods of managing emotions. This can only work if you are not the cause of your partner's emotional state! It is clear that if he is angry with you, and you offer him to breathe, he is unlikely to follow your recommendation.

Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions. Anger management. Aggression is a very energy-intensive emotion, and it is not for nothing that people often feel devastated after its outburst. Without receiving external support, aggression fades very quickly. The following are phrases that incite and reduce aggression:

“Do you want to talk about it?”, or the “Shut up - shut up - nod” technique. Use verbalization techniques. You can also gently communicate your emotional state to the other person with an "I-message", for example: "You know, when you talk to me in a rather loud voice and with a not very pleased expression on your face, I get a little scared. Please, could you speak a little more quietly…?” Keep non-verbal communication under control: talk, keeping a calm intonation and gestures. Never say no to a terrorist!

Since none of us is perfect, from the point of view of logic, we can answer almost any criticism with some kind of partial agreement: You are not a professional. Yes, my professionalism can be improved. You have little experience in this area. Yes, there are people who work in this area more than me. We suggest learning to start any answer with the word “yes”. Then, even in a conflict situation, you will be able to maintain a more benevolent background of interaction. You can find something to agree with even in the most ridiculous claims and insults. In these cases, we agree not with the statement itself, but with the fact that such an opinion exists in the world. This is a kind of indirect consent. All women are stupid. Yes, there are people who think so. And the last aspect of technology. In some books on sales, you can find the technique “Yes, but ...” Use a different conjunction, for example, the connective - “and”.

The first reaction of a person, when they “run into” him, make claims, is fear. One of the consequences of this fear is the desire to immediately justify. Although we often think that an excuse or a promise will fix the situation, in fact it only increases aggression. Calmly agree that an unpleasant situation has occurred, without going into an explanation of the reasons and without making promises. Recognize the significance of the problem. Whatever it may seem to you about any situation, but if a person experiences strong emotions, then this is really important. Say that the situation is very important, very unpleasant, and, of course, if you were this person, you would also experience a whole gamut of all sorts of emotions.

If you have a call center, and if the person is unhappy with something, he will not stand all this: “Press 1 if. Now press 2 if…” If your clients and your wallet are dear to you, give the client the opportunity to talk to the operator without any problems.

Do you think you've sympathized enough? Sympathize more!

What does it make sense to do to manage other people's fears: reduce the significance of anxiety, question the adequacy of fear, recognize the significance of anxiety, offer to distract from the problem, ask about fears, let the person think through and analyze their fears.

What makes sense to do to manage other people's sadness and resentment: reduce the significance of the problem, recognize the significance of the emotion, communicate your difficulties, fully pay attention to the other, ask him open questions about the situation and his emotions to let him speak out, comfort, using the words “everything equals, continue to maintain eye contact.

Conflict Management. Resolving conflict constructively is extremely difficult for many reasons. Firstly, people do not know how to be aware of their emotions and manage them, so this stage is extremely difficult psychologically. Secondly, people do not know how to negotiate in such a way that the solution suits both parties. Thirdly, people do not know the basic laws of communication and do not know how to communicate effectively. Finally, in most cases, during negotiations to resolve the conflict, the parties communicate at the level of their positions, not interests.

To resolve serious conflicts, a mediator is often invited. The task of this person is to reduce the emotional tension of the parties and help them realize and present their true interests. As a rule, when this happens, the conflict is resolved fairly quickly, because at the level of interests it is much easier to find both common needs and desires, and possible new solutions.

What to do if you yourself are not involved in the conflict, but it is important for you that the participants in the conflict find a way to constructively resolve it? First of all, help both participants think about their interests. Do not invite participants to think about the interests of another! We often do this in an attempt to "reconcile" the belligerents, which only cause serious irritation.

Give others quality (constructive) feedback. Criticism destroys self-esteem, undermines self-confidence and worsens relationships. In order for a person to hear our words and be motivated to change something in his behavior, it is necessary that he be in a fairly calm and even emotional state. If it seems to you that in your company an employee is almost always at fault, there are more effective forms of feedback than criticism. Criticism contains information about mistakes, about what NOT to do. And no information about what to do next. This is why criticism so rarely leads to behavior change. Qualitative feedback contains only information about a person's actions and in no case includes an assessment of a person, even a positive one. Because the one who considers himself entitled to give an assessment to another, puts himself psychologically higher. If you evaluate another person, it causes irritation. In general, the more invaluable feedback, the better.

Quality feedback is timely. Talk about what happened in Lately, and do not remember that "three years ago you did the same thing." It is better if the feedback is provided "on request", that is, if the person himself asked you: "Well, how?". Be prepared for the fact that any, even constructive feedback “without a request” can be annoying. Constructive feedback is given one on one. Qualitative feedback contains information about specific actions, and the more specific, the better.

Quality feedback contains recommendations on how to proceed next time (rather than mistakes). Qualitative feedback includes two parts: information about what is worth continuing to do (what was effective and successful in the actions of another person) and what makes sense to change (“growth zones”). Qualitative feedback contains more information about the "pros" than about areas of growth.

About the qualitative implementation of changes. Perhaps the most replicated quote from the book Funky Business: Soon there will be two types of companies in the world: fast and dead.

Our "organism" prefers to be in the "comfort" zone. Rather, in the zone of "known and understandable." Any changes cause fear in our "organisms". It is for this reason that so often the implementation process is stalled, and sometimes even stopped. Positive changes are perhaps less worrisome. But it's almost impossible to comprehend it. If you want to implement change in your company, it's worth finding ways to reduce your employees' fear of upcoming change.

The classic theory of change implementation is the theory of Kurt Lewin, who states that any change process must go through three stages: "unfreeze", "movement" and "freeze". It is important to “unfreeze”, “shake”, “stir up” the current situation.

“Lighting the spark”, or “Infection” with emotions. rituals self-tuning. Rituals can be used for yourself personally, you can create general, "team" rituals. Rituals performed together have advantages. First, you can remind each other to take the necessary actions. Secondly, you can cheer up and “infect” each other with emotions, enhancing the effect. A well-executed “beginning” ritual allows you to tune in to teamwork, remember that we are working together, and feel like that “one team”.

Motivational speech.

With this faith, we can cut the stone of hope from the mountain of despair. With this faith, we will be able to turn the discordant voices of our people into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we can work together, pray together, fight together, go to prison together, defend freedom together, knowing that one day we will be free.
Martin Luther King, "I Have a Dream"

There is nothing particularly difficult in preparing a motivational speech. It can be very short, just a call. It is important that it contains three components: the emotional richness of the text, the necessary emotion coming from the leader (or from the one who motivates something), and an appeal to values that are significant to your audience.

Duty on the drive and other ways of short-term motivation. Brainstorming is one method of short-term drive enhancement. Another similar idea for a short-term burst of drive is what's called "surprise management." Employees (for example, the sales department) are given a short-term task (from one day to a week), upon completion of which employees receive an agreed prize (this can be a cake, a bottle of champagne, movie tickets - that is, something not very big and significant).

“Keeping the fire in the hearth”, or Formation of a team spirit. Teams are a group of people who have a shared common goal, which is difficult, if not impossible, to achieve alone or with other groups of people. This is why in business it is so difficult to talk about real teams: new people come to the department, someone goes to another project, someone quits altogether.

In his works, researching great companies, he noticed that they have what he called BHAG (BHAG - big, hairy, ambitious goal) - in direct translation "big, hairy, ambitious goal." The presence of just such a goal will allow the team members to unite the efforts and will serve as a constant motivator for them.

Any group goes through similar stages in its development. It all starts with addiction. What do people who just started working together depend on? First of all, from social stereotypes and norms of politeness. Gradually, the level of trust in the group grows a little, and each of its members allows himself to manifest himself to a greater extent as he is, and not as he wants to appear. The members of the group at this stage are ready to defend their interests (at the first stage they could give them up), the group begins to distribute different roles, leaders stand out, etc.

At the second stage of its development, the group enters the stage of conflict. This stage cannot be avoided, it can only be passed - like any conflict, either constructively or destructively. If the conflict stage is passed constructively, a deeper feeling arises, based on sincerity, greater psychological closeness and trust of team members to each other. It remains to develop joint norms and rules of work. Finally, the last stage of team formation is the so-called working stage. This does not mean that the team members did not work before. This means that only now the team is reaching the peak of its effectiveness. Sport Team suddenly begins to win all the games one by one, and with apparent ease. The team in the game "What? Where? When?" begins to answer questions ahead of schedule and win with a score of 6:0.

The book introduces the concept of "emotional account". The idea is very simple: every time you perform an action that gives the other person rather pleasant emotions, increases your level of trust and mutual understanding, you "replenish your account." Every time you offend him with something, do not keep your promises and behave harshly with this person, there is a “write-off”. What does high balance mean? This means that we are not afraid to make a mistake every minute, waiting and knowing that we will be understood and accepted, even if something goes wrong. That we can speak sincerely without fear of being "misunderstood." We can calmly express our disagreement with something, knowing that this will not worsen the relationship and that we can calmly agree on things that are important to us.

Creation of an emotionally intelligent system of motivation. The classic, most ancient system of motivation is “carrot and stick”:

But ... the donkey moves remarkably only until it reaches a fork. And here again, only the leader decides where to turn. It is good when the market situation is stable (the road is straight and without forks). But in conditions of intense competition, changes and rapid development, or, conversely, complex changes, the whole road is a continuous fork in the road. And in such a situation, we want to have initiative and enterprising employees who will find the right path themselves!

On the use of what emotions is it still worth building a motivation system in a company? Fear motivates you to run away from the object! And therefore, it does not motivate people to move forward! With the help of fear, you can force a person to do something, but it is impossible to force him to do it well or use all his strength for work. Any system of penalties, as you might guess, also applies to motivation based on fear. Also, what does a fine or punishment do? Motivates to avoid punishment. The task is to create such a system of motivation that would cause healthy irritation in employees along with a certain amount of joy.

Praise. The impact of this tool on maintaining a positive climate in the team does not need to be explained. Why do we so rarely praise our subordinates? Why do we so rarely inform them of their progress? Praise, as well as feedback, can be of two types: evaluative and non-evaluative. If you use praise for specific actions, then the result of such frequent praise will only be that the person will continue to do the same actions well.

Faith in potential. We want to be better when someone around us believes that we can be better. Therefore, if you want to positively influence other people, believe in their potential, in their resources and opportunities.

Implementation of emotional competence in the organization. Enter - first Russian company, whose corporate culture is based on the principle "a happy employee = a happy client", and one of the company's core values is joy. The company has an Employee Happiness Department and a Customer Happiness Department.

To implement emotional competence at the organization level, it is necessary to take into account the following: employees' knowledge of the basics and key provisions of emotional competence, training employees in emotional competence skills (primarily managers, HR specialists and managers working with clients).

And finally ... How to say "thank you" correctly? Good gratitude, which pleases both its author and its recipient, has the following characteristics: like constructive feedback, it is specific, that is, it contains information about the actions that the person has taken, and not just: “Thank you for everything!”; it is personal, which means it makes sense to address a person by name; she is sincere, it is assumed that you are really sincerely grateful to the person, and do not speak out formally, “for show”.

personal growth coaches

Sergey Shabanov and Alena Aleshina started their activities by developing their own methodology to help people become successful. What's the secret? In emotions! If you learn how to manage them - success is guaranteed. Not everyone was enthusiastic about the new project. At first, there were very few applicants. And then those who completed the training began to apply the acquired knowledge in practice and realized that it really works.

The book became a reasonable continuation of the course of lectures. The students themselves asked the coaches about it. Many of them wanted to continue self-education and development at home, but there was no suitable literature. Now it is available to everyone. As for Sergey and Alena, they do not stop there - they develop innovative programs, involve new students in the business, they themselves are constantly looking for other ways and approaches.

Prices for Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina Emotional intelligence Russian practice

What to look for in a book

The work of Sergey and Alena is incredibly multifaceted. He will explain:

why do people need emotions;
how to direct feelings for your own good;
how to extinguish the negative charge inside;
when emotions should not be hidden;
Who shouldn't show feelings.

Why did the area of feelings receive such close attention? Scientists have long come to the conclusion that emotions can affect a person's standard of living and even the speed of reaction. When a person is depressed and in a depressive state, she starts to work more slowly, everything falls out of hand, the head refuses to remember new information analyze what is already there.

Any emotion can be turned to your own good. To do this, you just need to learn how to manage competently - this is what the book “Emotional Intelligence. Russian practice".

You should not hope for a miraculous effect - nothing will happen immediately and by magic. Here everyone creates his own happiness. How to give free rein to emotions, how to extinguish them at the wrong moment for manifestation, how to change emotions to your advantage? The book is a kind of training that allows you to look into your own head, to become calmer and more balanced.

To understand the nature of your emotions and learn how to manage them, you need to start reading the book right now. Let the reviews of readers convince you of this.

Mila, 27 years old:“I have always been a very emotional person - I thought that it was right: to cry sobbing, to have fun to the fullest. But I began to notice that not everyone likes my behavior. Some consider it abnormal, even repulsive. That's why I decided to fight myself. I don’t have time to attend trainings, I bought this book. Very interesting reading, now it's easier for me to control my feelings. But there is still work to be done…

Matvey, 49 years old:"When I first started my own business, many suggested: do not give free rein to emotions - they can do harm. I became a very reserved, rude person. Never showed feelings. And then I realized: the best shots are leaving me. I spoke to one of the employees. He explained that there is not enough emotional openness, praise, to understand whether we are moving in the right direction. I attended the training of Sergey and Alena. At the end, I was given this book. I often re-read it even now. I am interested in getting to know myself and my subordinates from a new perspective. But emotions should be in moderation - this is one of the main tips of literature "...

Do emotions help people? Maybe only because of them a person makes stupid mistakes, which he later regrets. But at the same time, only the ability to feel makes it possible to empathize with others, understand them and look for ways to solve problems that will suit both parties. Emotional intelligence is now talked about quite often, but not so much that this topic is well disclosed and understandable to everyone. In addition, most often you can read about this in books by foreign authors that do not take into account the peculiarities of the Russian mentality. In the book Emotional Intelligence. Russian practice” by Sergey Shabanov and Alena Aleshina, these features are taken into account.

With the help of this book, you can learn about the role our emotions play in our lives, our actions and even the way we think. What are our true purposes when we behave in one way or another? When do emotions help and when do they complicate the situation? This book will be useful to all leaders, managers, and any person. It tells how to behave with subordinates and colleagues, with clients, partners, how to negotiate, achieving your goals. It says how to recognize your emotions and learn how to manage them, as well as how to learn to understand the emotions of other people and also manage them, and without using manipulation.

The book is well structured, easy to read, the authors give examples, give answers to questions that usually arise from the audience of their trainings. The strength of the book is its practicality. Questions are given here, there is a place where to enter answers, and the reader will be able to independently analyze their emotions and understand how to proceed.

On our website you can download the book "Emotional Intelligence. Russian Practice" by Sergei Shabanov, Alyoshina Alena for free and without registration in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format, read the book online or buy the book in the online store.